I stood in front of my bathroom mirror… And I cried.
I was sick of it all… all the losing lb after lb, seeing my ribs stick out so much you can count them… of feeling tiredness… of eating only avocado and boiled carrots cause that’s all my body could take.
I just got to that point where I wanted to yell..
WHY DON’T YOU JUST WORK!? It’s so simple. Just DO what you are MEANT to do.
Ever felt like that? That there is something so simple, so.. natural.. that your body just CAN NOT do..
I hated it.
I hated all the stupid bony parts. The way it throws up food every meal. How I can’t seem to go a day without needing a three hour nap.
The fact that if my neighbor coughs upstairs, I’m in bed for three days with the flu.
I’m just so… frustrated.
I printed a little art work off pinterest the other day and hung it in my bathroom.
I’m so glad I did.
I walked into my bathroom and saw it. And stopped.
‘Be gentle with yourself’
And it’s there because… well… I’m not.
I’m not gentle with myself. I’m harsh. I’m unkind.
We are often our own worst critics. We know every failing, every flaw that we think our body has or does.
Sometimes in trying to love, be kind and happy towards others, we forget to save a bit for ourselves.
We forget that we need to be gentle, not only to the world, but to ourselves. And our own bodies.
Because, quite honestly, my body IS amazing.
It has taken me to so many countries of the world.
It has walked me down an aisle to marry my beautiful man.
It has been on countless 15 hours flight.
It has allowed me to have crazy summers of little sleep and many adventures.
It’s held out during exam times and got me through stressful months.
It’s got me through surgeries and deadly diseases.
It’s moved across the world, and then moved houses a ridiculous amount of times.
It’s fought, for a long long time just to keep going.
It hasn’t given up.
It hasn’t backed down.
It’s given every last cell to help me.
But the things I only seem to see are those bony bits, those pains, those breakout places.
And here’s the thing I need to remember; It hasn’t come out of this unscathed.
It’s come out with scars from surgeries.
It has missing pounds.
It’s got dark circles around my eyes.
It’s got stretch marks
And that’s the bits that I seem to hate. It seems to be the only bits I see.
But from now on I’m done.
I’m done JUST looking at those bits.
I done seeing them and feeling hateful and frustrated .
Those bits now.
Well they are my battle scars.
They are encouraging. Inspiring.
They say to me… Go Get ‘Em Girl, we got this.
Look at what we have been through, fought through, and look how far we have come.
There is a lot my body doesn’t do well.. And it’s frustrating to say the least.
But instead of looking at that, and pointing out how horrible it is. Instead of yelling at it to pull itself together..
I need to think about the healing, growing and fighting it has done for me.
There might be something your body isn’t great at.
Maybe your body is in pain.
Or it has no energy.
Maybe it won’t let you keep food down.
Or you have constant headaches.
Whatever it is.
Think of all the things it HAS done and CONTINUES to do for you. All the things you have fought through and the places it has taken you.
You walk. Talk. Work hard.
You love. You think. You laugh.
You read. You see.You live a life.
And even though your body might not be doing what it’s meant to, and you can’t seem to do what you want to right now… It is a life worth living.
And it fights, tooth, nail and cell, to help you. To heal you. To get you through this.
And while sometimes it may not look the prettiest, and you just want it to be normal… remember all the good things it has done to get you where you are today.
Knowing that it’s got me this far gets me excited for what’s to come.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to go running again. Or eat bread.
Maybe I’ll be able to travel places I’ve dreamed of going. Or grow a baby.
It’s a frustrating process, and it sometimes seems hopeless.
But I can promise you, those pounds will come back, that pain will fade, those naps will not be needed. You’ll eat that bread.
Look at those little encouraging battle scars and be proud.
But while you’re still waiting, remember: Be gentle on yourself. You’ll get there, one day.
New Little *Scared-But-Still-Standing* Wife